I Am A Lion
by MercedesAsheSorrel
Summary: A madman. That is what he is. The Beast's echoing roars confirmed that much. "Alright, alright! You win! You can stay for now! I won't make you leave! Just stop!" Fili screamed. And the Beast began to purr... So it's an off the wall AU. Loads of Hurt!Fili with Comforting!Kili, Thorin, and Dis. No slash. Enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first AUish like story about Fili and Kili's past. Rate and review and above all else, please enjoy!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to Tolkien's fantastic works.**

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I Am A Lion

When The Lion Roars

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He clenched his hands into fists and closed his eyes tight against the anger boiling up inside him.

That was when he heard it.

It was coming. It's soft footfalls echoed out of the inky blackness, followed by cold blue eyes. It was all that he could see: sapphire eyes, as it stalked its prey from inside the darkness. A snarl burst out from behind it's fangs as it leaped forward, teeth bared and claws extended as the great tawny creature reached for him, shaking back it's golden mane...

...His sapphire eyes flew open, cold and filled with rage, and with a snarl he leapt forward...

oOo

...Fili groaned and picked himself up from where he had fallen. He glared at the inn he had been forcefully thrown from, and began to walk home.

'How had this happened?' his mind asked of him. He had no answer to his question no matter how much it burned in his mind. But one thing was certain, something had to be done about this. It hadn't even registered to his mind that the fight had been surrendered to him. What if next time there wasn't someone to restrain him? He might kill someone and not realize it. What if he did realize it in time and still killed someone? He could still hear the snarl, still see the blue eyes that were his own, inside his head. The battles he fought at the Beast's bidding made him want to kill. Fili shuddered involuntarily. Fili hated to brawl, but he hated the Beast even more, and it's complacent purr was far preferable than it's demonic roars.

Fili shook his head, something needed to be done, it had gone on for far too long, but he didn't know how to fix it. For one brief second Fili thought of speaking to Thorin about it, but it was quickly suppressed. If anyone ever found out, he would surely be sent away like all the other madmen. Madman. That was what he was, a madman. The Beast's echoing roars confirmed that much. Helpless tears slid down his face as Fili gripped his head, gathering up fistfuls of his hair.

"Alright, alright! You win! You can stay for now! I won't try to make you leave! Just stop!" Fili shouted to the night sky.

The Beast within his heart began to purr and allowed Fili to catch his breath. Fili blinked and took in a deep shuddering breath.

"This isn't over...I'll find a way to be rid of you yet..." Fili whispered to himself.

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**I know, I know, it's really short, but it just seemed the perfect place to end this chapter. Upcoming chapters should be much longer. ;-)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N : Well here it is! Sorry, it took longer than I thought! Family obligations, work, and horrible coursework kinda took first place. So yeah...Anyway enjoy all of you who were waiting!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything related to The Hobbit or any of Tolkien's other works.**

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I Am A Lion

What Kili Did and The Morning After

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Fili stealthily snuck through the halls of their house. It was late, not only had he missed his dinner but his curfew as well. Fili sighed, hardly knowing why he was even bothering to be quiet, he was in for it anyway. Surprisingly no one was up waiting for him, which Fili found strange, and hardly comforting. Slipping to the back halls Fili slid open his bedroom door and slipped in silently. He was in the act of removing his cloak when a not so sleepy voice said,

"Where did you go?"

Fili spun around, startled, and saw Kili's worried eyes peering at him from the bed in the corner. Fili desperately wanted to say something in his defense but he had been caught dead to rights, so instead he said nothing.

"I covered for you, you know." said Kili sharply, as he pushed back the blankets and slithered out of the bed, crossing the span of the room to the fireplace where Fili was standing. "I told Mum and Uncle that you were trapping on the far side of the forest. I told them you weren't going to be here for dinner and that you wanted me to apologize for you because you were going to miss your curfew as well. It was by the grace of the Valar that they believed me. And I took care of the trapping for you too. There are two beavers and a rabbit outside hidden behind the woodshed that you can present in the morning. So I'll ask again, Where did you go?"

Fili just blinked at Kili for a moment, too shocked for speech. Kili had done all this just to save his hide from Thorin and Dis? Small wonder no was waiting for him. Fili half smiled, Kili certainly had done a very thorough job.

"I was at the forge for half the day and then training with Dwalin, and, and then I came home." Fili ended lamely.

It doesn't take six hours to make it home from the training grounds, Fee. Where did you go? And please don't lie to me again."

"I didn't lie, damn it!

"Then what happened on the way home?"

"I had...something came up..." Fili answered at length, looking at anything but Kili

"Come on Fee, you can tell me anything." said Kili, trying to get Fili to look at him. "You'd be saying the same thing if the situation was reversed."

_'But the situation isn't reversed. You don't have some bloodthirsty Beast controlling you.' _Fili thought to himself before saying out loud, with a small laugh "It's nothing, really Kee. I just needed some time alone. You worry too much. You forget you're the younger brother, It's my job to worry about you, and you give me alarmingly good reason to!"

Kili's worried glare faded a little at Fili's words but was almost instantly replaced when Fili turned his face towards the fire. Fixing his brother with a frown and a black look, he demanded angrily,

"If I am worrying too much, then why is your left cheek bruised and swollen?! Just because you're twenty and five years my senior, that doesn't mean I don't have the right to know what's going on with my elder brother!" demanded Kili, his voice rising with every word.

"Shhhhh! Keep your voice down, Kili! You don't want to wake the whole house, do you?!"

"Maybe I do!" Kili snarled, not troubling himself to lower his voice.

"Please, Kee! Not right now! I-It's not...Please, I'm not doing...I-I'd tell you if I could...B-but I can't! I can't explain...I d-don't w-want...Please, Kee! Not right now!" Fili begged.

Kili took a step back, stunned by Fili's sudden outburst and the tears that threatened to spill from his brother's eyes. Never had he seen Fili succumb to emotion in this fashion, and he nodded his assent without thinking.

"A-and please Kili, don't tell Thorin or Mum..." Fili choked.

"Come on...Uncle Thorin or Mum could help with-with whatever it is that's bothering you! Or, or maybe Oin? Yeah, I bet Oin could help with, with whatever is bothering you if you don't want M-"

"NO!" Fili shouted, before covering his mouth with his hand, listening for any sounds coming from the other bedchambers. After a tense moment where the two boys heard muffled movement from what sounded like Thorin's room, all was quiet again and Fili continued. "I don't want anyone to know right now...I-I'll tell them in my own time." he lied.

Kili nodded and turned to the fire.

"So you will tell me? Soon?"

"Soon..."

_'Soon as I can think up a lie.'_ Fili added mentally.

Kili nodded again and stifled a yawn. Fili smiled and dragged his brother to the bed and pushed against the pillows.

"Go to sleep and stop worrying about me."

"G-g-goodnight, Fee..." Kili said brokenly through a yawn.

"...Goodnight, Kili..."

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oOo

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"Wake up, Fili!"

Fili groaned at his uncle's voice and rolled over. He hadn't been asleep long, maybe an hour two. The sun had just been peeping above the hillsides outside when he had finally felt sleep carry him away from the thoughts that had kept him awake most of the night. Nevertheless, he got up and put on a fresh tunic, trying to make himself somewhat presentable, and made for the kitchen. Fili fell heavily into his seat and rubbed his eyes, yawning. He heard Thorin's metal toed boots enter the kitchen, but he didn't look up and continued to rubbed the sleep from his eyes. Fili suddenly felt a restraining grip on his wrist preventing him from bringing his hand to his eyes. He looked up at his uncle's concerned steel blue eyes, a little bewildered. Thorin ran his thumb across Fili's cheekbone and Fili winced at the pain that suddenly blossomed across his skin. Fili had forgotten about the results of the previous nights brawl, and he inwardly cursed himself for not having at least looked to see the damage that had been done. He tentatively met Thorin's gaze. He wasn't surprised to see suspicion there and he did his best not to look away.

"What happened?"

Thorin's voice was overly quiet and calm as it always was when he was worried and trying to hide it. Fili opened his mouth to answer but shut it quickly as he tried to think up a lie. It was easier said than done, looking into his uncles eyes made it harder to lie.

"I-I fell outside late last night..." Fili began. Technically it was not a lie, he had fallen on his face after being thrown from the tavern. "On my way back home from trapping I slipped. I didn't realize I had actually injured myself..." Fili added, suddenly remembering Kili's cover story.

Fili chanced a glance at Kili, who glared back at him but said nothing to refute him. Thorin's quick eyes caught the look and his eyes moved from Fili's face to Kili, but after a moment he seemingly became satisfied at Fili's answer.

"Come, let me have a decent look before your mother sees it." his tone soft.

Fili let himself be steered away from the table just as his mother came in bearing steaming serving bowls and platters.  
"Where are you two going? Breakfast is ready." Dis called after them.

"Don't hold breakfast, Dis. You and Kili go on ahead and eat. We'll be back momentarily." Thorin answered as he lead Fili to the washroom.

Once inside Thorin closed the door and made Fili sit on a stool there and drew cold water. Fili began to squirm around feeling acutely uncomfortable about his current situation. Normally this wouldn't have bothered him, but this was no normal occurrence, and it was only worse seeing as Fili wasn't entirely convinced that his uncle fully believed him. However, Thorin said nothing as he rinsed a cloth in the water and began to bath Fili's face. Fili sighed as the cold rag touched his skin and he relaxed as the numbing power of the cold washed away the pain that had remained after Thorin had touched his injury.

It turned out to be worse that Fili had anticipated. Not only was his cheek swollen and bruised, but there was also a slender gash where his skin had split. He sucked his breath in sharply, thanking his stars that Thorin hadn't begun to question him.

Then Thorin spoke.

"So are you going to tell me what happened?"

Fili started slightly and looked hard at his uncle for a moment. Thorin didn't stop what he was doing but Fili could tell he was waiting as patiently as he was able.

"What I said at the table was true, I was on my way back when I slipped and-"

"Fell. So you said." finished Thorin. "I'm referring to what happened after your alleged _trapping accident_," Thorin stressed the word. "Between you and Kili."

Fili almost fell off the stool, causing Thorin to raise an eyebrow at him. How much had Thorin heard last night? Fili gulped.

"What makes you think anything is wrong with me and Kili?" Fili asked, hoping that he sounded indignant to explain away his reaction.  
"I don't know, Kili shouting last night 'Just because you're twenty and five years my senior, that doesn't mean I don't have the right to know what's going on with my elder brother.', might have led me to that conclusion." Thorin answered coolly. "Or you shouting 'No' shortly thereafter?"

"It's nothing really...We just had a little argument, it was truely nothing, Uncle..."

"Be that as it may, I still would like to know what Kili thought he was entitled to know, that you, as his senior thought was unnecessary to tell him."

"He..." Fili hesitated. "I tried to hide this so he wouldn't see and get worried. But he did and called me out on it..." It was only a half lie and Fili hoped that it would be enough to convince Thorin. Fili looked at Thorin for a moment. "You, you thought Kili hit me, didn't you?"

"I'll admit the thought did cross my mind." said Thorin as he reached down and grabbed a salve from a cabinet. He opened it and began to smear the contents on the cut. "You two rarely fight or argue, I thought it may have escalated."

"Kili and I would never hit one another! What would make you think that?"

Thorin shrugged and looked as though he was about to say something but seemed to think better of it. Instead he put away the medicine and gestured towards the door. Fili got up from the stool and left the washroom with Thorin.

* * *

oOo

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"Fili, what have you done to your face?!"

Fili winced at his mothers worried tone, but forced a smile as she jumped up from her seat and raced over to look him over.

"I'm fine, Mum. Uncle Thorin already took care of it for me."

"What happened?" she asked in the same worried tone.

"I fell outside last night coming home. It's nothing."

"Well, if you're sure, sit down and have some breakfast. Does it hurt?"

Fili shook his head and that apparently satisfied Dis for the moment. She seated herself again. Thorin also sat down and helped himself to the bacon and eggs. Fili did likewise but didn't really feel like eating. Fili's mind was a whirlwind. Thorin hadn't believed anything he had said. Fili wondered just what Thorin was actually thinking and why Thorin would have thought that Kili would have hit him. Neither one of them had ever struck the other. Then it dawned on him, Thorin knew simply by looking at the injury that he had been punched. It did make sense, Fili reasoned, but the fact that his uncle believed either himself or Kili capable of striking each other hurt him.

_'But that's you greatest fear, remember?'_ said a small voice inside his head that didn't belong to Fili _'That you'll lose the little control you have. That you'll hit one of them, that you'll hurt one of them, that you'll __**kill**__ one of them.'_

Fili gripped fistfuls of his hair and put his head down, closing his eyes; trying to will the voice away. But as soon as he closed his eyes he was met with the horrid sapphire ones that resembled his own but could not be his own. Fili didn't dare move as the Beast began to circle him, prowling as it had done so many times before. But it didn't charge at him like usual. Instead it sat down, facing Fili, and just stared. And all Fili could do was stare back. Fili braced himself readying himself for that one sound that would surely drive him to insanity, but instead of a roar, Fili heard the Beast speak his own name, though it sounded as though it came from a great distance. The word bounced back at him, echoing off the walls of darkness, until the air was filled with the sound of numerous _Fili's_. A soft whimper escaped his lips and he began to look around wildly for an exit as his name reverberated inside his head. But before he could something pulled him backwards roughly and he fell into the darkness...

...Fili blinked. His head was killing him. He was being shaken by Thorin, which only made his head hurt worse, as did Thorin nearly shouting his name. His mother and brother knelt him, looking just as concerned as Thorin. Fili saw relief wash over their features as he looked at them and registered their faces. Thorin let out a shaky breath, but didn't loosen his hold on Fili's shoulders.

"Fili...What is wrong?" Thorin demanded in the same overly quiet tone that he had used before.

_'What was wrong?'_ Fili wasn't even sure. He didn't even know why his head hurt so badly. It took Fili a moment to realize that he had been pulling on his hair in an effort to block out the that little inner voice. Fili shook his head, wincing at the pain before he managed to gasp out.

"I-I'm fine really..."

"You are certainly not fine!" Thorin said worried. "What's wrong, Fili? And please do not lie to me again."

Fili truely wanted to tell them everything, about the Beast, his sudden inability to sleep that had him running on empty, the blood lust that the Beast caused. But shame and fear made him hold his tongue. He would not be the one to bring shame on the line of Durin. So instead Fili half smiled and mumbled quietly.

"It's nothing, just a headache...I'll be alright."

Dis and Thorin exchanged a glance across Fili's head and seemed to come to some sort of understanding. Thorin took Fili by the arm and helped him to his feet.

"You'll not be coming with me to the forges today, Fili. I want you to stay home and rest." said Thorin.

Fili's head snapped up at his uncles words, even though it caused him some pain. His eyes widened slightly. Surely he wasn't going to made to stay at home like a sick child. He would be fine. He could work through a headache, especially a self inflicted headache, and he began to say as much, but Dis held up a hand to forestall him.

"You will listen to your uncle on this, Fili. Now, come on, bed."

"But-!"

"Bed!" Dis said with such finality that Fili had no choice but to obey

Fili sighed almost contentedly as he was wrapped in warm blankets by his mother. As put out as he was at being made to stay home, Fili was more than happy to get a few extra hours of sleep. When she was finished she kissed him on the head and walked over to the door where Thorin stood, leaning against the the door frame. Fili watched as the two of them have some form of conversation with each other that was clearly about himself, but he was really too tired to try and eavesdrop. His eyelids slid shut and enveloped his world in darkness...

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**So what do you think? I hope you enjoyed it, I thought it was choppy and rushed...But on the bright side I now know where I am going to take this fic and I hope that you all won't be disappointed. Please review and let me know what you think! :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So last night I was run over by a freight train called Inspiration, and the result of my injuries is chapter 3! So enjoy while I nurse my fried brain.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything of Tolkiens.**

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I Am A Lion

Guilt and Rage

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Fili awoke to the sound of hushed voices nearby. He cracked open an eye and stared blearily about the room. It was dark outside. He had slept the entire day. He pushed himself off the pillows and thanked his lucky stars that the headache was gone. Flinging the covers from his body, Fili got up with a huff and slipped his boots on. Creeping over to the door, Fili put his ear to it and listened.

"-Strange that he has been asleep all day."

Fili could barely hear what was being said and he pressed his ear more firmly to it he heard his mother's worried voice.

"He's been acting so strange lately. He doesn't sleep, barely eats. He thinks I haven't noticed, but I have. Then he goes on long hunting and trapping trips alone. Sudden headaches...I'm worried, Thorin."

"As am I...And I've been of no help, I push him to hard...perhaps we should have Oin look over him. But, Dis, listen. About Fili's little-"

Panic coursed through Fili's veins as soon as he heard Oin's name. If Oin was called then his secret would be known to all, and then he would be sent away. He quickly fixed a winning smile on his features and pushed open the door. Thorin and Dis jumped as the door flew open, effectively ending their conversation, cutting off Thorin's sentence.

"Fili! Oh, thank Mahal! You're awake!" cried Dis, pulling her eldest into her arms.

Fili returned her embrace genuinely, fighting down his fear. There was no reason for his panic, he tried to reassure himself, nothing had happened, Oin wasn't here, everything was fine.

"How do you feel, Fili?" asked Thorin laying a hand on Fili's shoulder gently.

"I'm fine Uncle, really I am. I guess I was more tired than I thought. The headache is gone too!" Fili said a little too brightly.

Thorin nodded quietly, his stern eyes never leaving Fili's.

"Well that's wonderful news, Fili. Your mother was beside herself with worry. She feared you might never have awoken." said Thorin.  
Fili looked up at his mother, guilt washing over him in waves.

"I'm sorry, Mum. I didn't mean to worry you. It's just I didn't really sleep last night and then I got the headache this morning...I'm sorry, really, but you could have woken me up if you were so concerned, you know." said Fili with a small smile.

Dis returned his smile and hugged Fili to her chest. Thorin cleared his throat and said.

"Your mother and I feared that your headache could have stemmed from your fall in the woods last night while trapping."

Fili blinked at Thorin for a few minutes and opened his mouth to speak but Thorin cut him off, continuing in a more gentle tone.

"I want to make sure that you are indeed alright, Fili. I am going to have Oin look over you just to see that you are well."

Panic hit Fili full force again, and he felt like he couldn't breathe. He began to splutter his protests when a quiet voice from the corner suddenly spoke.

"If you're afraid he's got a concussion Uncle, you don't have to worry about that. Nothing could ever damage that thick skull."

Fili jumped, startled and flabbergasted. He hadn't even realized was in the room and now he was covering for him again?! He didn't understand it. Sure, Kili had given in last night, but he had left the playing field with a 'this isn't over' air to it. Now, for Kili to be covering for him again...Fili began to get a little nervous. He glared at Kili, silently demanding to know what Kili was doing. Kili paid him no mind and addressed Thorin again.

"We'd have noticed if he was concussed by now. I know you're worried about him Uncle, I am too, but I think my hard-headed big brother is fine, and I just don't see the point in disturbing Oin. It's late and just because someone got to sleep all day, that doesn't mean anybody else did."

Thorin's expression mirrored Fili's own. Wisdom, coming from Kili, no mattered how barbed it was? Fili would have marveled over it if he hadn't been so hurt by Kili's words. Fili was convinced that Thorin wouldn't send for Oin now, but no matter how carefully crafted the disguise was, the words still stung. Fili looked down at the floor, suddenly wishing he was out of his mother's embrace, out of the room, out of the house, and running as far as he could go. But he couldn't move, he stood immobile in his mother's hold. He became vaguely aware that Thorin and Dis had agreed with Kili and that he was being lead to the kitchen table. A bowl of soup was placed before him with an order to eat. So he did, despite the fact that it was tasteless and hit his stomach like a brick. When his supper had been cleared away, Dis and Thorin ordered him back to bed and Fili willingly complied, wanted nothing more than to get as far away from them as possible. Unfortunately there was no escaping Kili, who was going to bed as well. Fili said some quick hurried goodnights to Dis and Thorin, before he slipped back into his and Kili's room, shortly followed by Kili. The two of them changed into their nightshirts silently and crawled into the bed. Fili refused to look at Kili and faced the wall. They laid in silence, unmoving for almost an hour, and Fili began to think that Kili had fallen asleep when Kili huffed and turned so that he could see Fili.

"Fee? Are you still awake?"

Fili closed his eyes and kept his mouth shut, Kili's previous words still echoing painfully in his head.

"I'm still waiting to be told what's wrong, you know."

And with that Kili rolled over and promptly went to sleep. Fili's eyes flew open and a pained dry sort of sob escaped his lips. After what Kili had said earlier, that was all he could say? Fili felt tears sting the corners of his eyes. He didn't even bother wiping them away. He buried his face in his pillow and sobbed silently throughout the night.

* * *

oOo

* * *

The next morning found Fili walking nervously beside Thorin on their way to the forges. His uncle had yet to begin his interrogation, Fili knew it was only a matter of time. However they made it to the forges without Thorin bringing up any of the previous day's events. Fili sighed contentedly as he walked into the blistering heat of the forge, and spotted Dwalin already working. Fili smiled at the prospect of working. Hammering a piece of metal into whatever shape he deemed always seemed to settle his nerves and he was looking forward to doing it. The dread that had built up over the last two days was beginning to dissipate from his stomach as he began walked over to team up with Dwalin as usual. A hand clenched on his shoulder and held him back. Fili turned and cast Thorin a confused look.

"I want you working with me today, Fili. Nothing too strenuous, for now. I want you to sharpen those barrels of swords and axes, do you understand?" said Thorin.

"...Yes sir."

The dread curled itself back around Fili's innards. Now, not only was he paired with the one person he wanted to be the farthest from, but now he wasn't even allowed to do the one thing that had always helped. He wanted to cry again but he steeled himself and set about completing the task Thorin had given him, hoping that by breaktime he would be allowed to forge again.

Breaktime couldn't have come sooner. Fili was about ready to take one of the axes he was supposed to be sharpening and beat Thorin and Dwalin with it. Thorin had kept him doing the easiest mundane tasks all morning, and even Dwalin had become patronizing after he learned that Fili had injured himself and had slept the whole day yesterday. He was touched that the old warrior was concerned for him, but today Fili was in no mood to accept sympathy. As it was, Fili's temper was quickly becoming as hot as the forge he was standing in, and as soon as he heard the clocktower sound the tenth bell, he dropped the axe he was holding and raced out the door. He didn't get far before he was stopped by one word.

"Fili."

Something in the tone made Fili uneasy but he turned so that he could see his uncle but made on move come nearer to him.

"Come back here." said Thorin, crooking a finger at Fili.

Fili reluctantly returned to his uncle and met Thorin's glare. When he was unable to take anymore of the silent glare Thorin was giving him, Fili finally asked angrily.

"Yes? Did you need something else, Uncle?" He didn't trouble himself with being respectful, his temper was far too high for that, and he couldn't really bring himself to care.

"A little more respect for one." growled Thorin, his glare deepening. "Apart from that however, I thought now would be a fine time for you and I to have a talk."

Fili blanched. Talks with Thorin usually meant punishment of some description and he was now regretting his disrespect. He gripped his hands behind his back and asked as respectfully as he could.

"What do you wish to talk about?"

"Come, not here. We'll talk in a moment" Thorin replied quietly.

Thorin's quiet answer did nothing for Fili's nerves, but he allowed himself to be steered away from the forge. Thorin didn't take him far, in fact the forge was still in sight. Leading Fili to a fallen log, Thorin seated himself and indicated for Fili to do likewise. As soon as the pair of them were settled, Thorin began.

"Fili this behavior of your's has been unsettling as of late. I want you to tell me where you were two day's ago and what you were doing. And do not lie and tell me you were trapping." Thorin added as Fili opened his mouth to supply Kili's ready made cover story yet again. "I had already spoken to Dwalin and he said he had kept you in the training grounds until it was nearly dark."

Fili opened his mouth several times and stared at the ground, but could give no answer.

"I don't know for what purpose Kili is shielding you, unless he too is involved. I intend to speak with him when get home and-"

"Kili doesn't know anything! I don't understand why he covered for me anymore than you. So don't him a target for your unwarranted lectures!" snarled Fili, anger building up again inside him.

"You do not decide if my lectures are unwarranted or not, Fili." said Thorin sternly. "And I would watch my mouth if I were you, you're in deep enough as it is."

"With who? You? Or Mum?"

"As you well know, both your mother and I are your guardians and we will both decide what shall and shall not be done concerning you two boys."

"Then why bother asking me what happened? Punish me and have done with it, if that is your wish as my _guardian_!" hissed Fili, his temper getting the better of him again.

"Fili," said Thorin with forced calm. "I am giving you the opportunity to tell me your side before telling your mother and determining the appropriate action."

All the bitter, angry, and resentful feeling that had been growing all morning suddenly came to a head and Fili snapped. He leapt up from the log and stood squarely before his uncle.

"You're not my father!" Fili shouted. "And I will not bow down to whatever your wishes may or may not be!"

"I realize that I am not your father-" Thorin began, his hurt plainly showing in his voice.

However, Fili was far too furious to care if he had wounded his uncle with his words.

"Then you can stop pretending to be!" He spat venomously.

"That is enough Fili!" Thorin roared, his pain now coming out as anger, just as Fili's had.

"No! It's not enough! But it's about to be!" Fili screamed, drawing his fist back.

Thorin saw stars as his nephew's fist connected with his face and he fell backwards from the log. He landed hard, black spots obscuring his sight. Thorin tried to get back up, but before he could even recover sufficiently, Fili was already running as fast as he could.

"F-Fili, wait!" Thorin called, struggling to regain his footing while blinking away dark spots in his vision.

By the time he got back on his feet and his vision had cleared, it was too late, Fili was gone.

* * *

**Oh boy, poor Fili...Sometimes I wonder if something is wrong with me...Anyway Please review and let me know what you think! Like it? Hate it? Think Thorin will be down one nephew? The jury's still out on that one. :)  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: I am so sorry that this took longer than I thought it would. Life has been hectic to say the least. But here is a nice long chapter to make up for it! So without further ado, here is chapter 4!  
**

**Disclaimer: I still own nothing of Tolkien's works.**

* * *

I Am A Lion

Finding A Form Of Control

* * *

Fili collapsed in a heap on the forest floor, clutching a painful stitch in his side. How could he have let the beast take control of him against his own uncle? He pressed his hands against his ears in an attempt to block out the roars. Fili blinked, the wasn't a sound at all echoing in his mind save for the his own ragged breathing. With a sickening lurch, Fili realized, what had happened between him and his uncle was all him. He could even blame the Beast. He hadn't acted on the Beast's orders, he had acted on his own. The thought made him sick with shame and tears slipped down his cheeks. He was startled by the sound of someone calling his name. Fili jumped up and took off running trying to put as much distance between himself and whoever was tracking him.

It was nearly six o'clock in the evening when Fili's feet lead him back to town. He passed by the forge knowing that his uncle wouldn't be there, but still went to look anyway. As he expected, it was deserted. He truely wished to apologize for what he had said to Thorin. He had also wanted to get home before Thorin did. Explaining things to his mother was going to be difficult enough without Thorin there. Dis angry was not a sight Fili particularly wished to see, but he didn't know how he was going to talk his way out of this one. He sighed and began to trudge dejectedly back home, resigned to his fate. He made his way through the streets of town when he heard someone scream. Turning down a side street, Fili followed the sound to an alley where he saw a young dwarf laughing maliciously at a terrified lass. She twisted and kicked him trying to free herself from his strong grip. Fili recognized him, he was a great hulk of a drawfling who took great pleasure in hurting anyone smaller than himself in the training arena. He had even threatened Kili once. Fili looked around, there was no one near other than himself. Fili felt the Beast roar inside his head. He closed his eyes in an attempt to calm himself , but when he did he saw those cold sapphire eyes, he threw any attempt to the winds. The Beast always won his battles with Fili and this was what the Beast wanted. Fili gave in and opened his eyes, and the Beast took over.

"Grudri!"

Grudri spun around apprehensively at the sound of the voice spoken with such command and authority, but relaxed when he saw who the voice belonged to.

"Fili, you should know better, dwarflings shouldn't be out after dark." spat Grudri with the air of one speaking to a five year old.

"Then perhaps you should take your advice, seeing as how you're as much of a dwarfling as I." Fili said throwing Grudri's words back at him.

"Still years older than you! Now if you'll excuse me we really have other important matters to attend to." He snarled, turning back to his wench.

"No, I don't think you do." said Fili calmly pulling Grudri off the poor lass. She took her chance to escape and ran back into the more populated streets as quickly as she could. "See? She didn't think it was so important."

Fili smiled sweetly as he watched the rage build in Grudri's eyes, preparing himself for what was soon to burst forth from the drawf. With a yell like an angry cat that had been stepped on, Grudri attacked Fili. Fili parried the punch and landed one of his own into Grudri's stomach, using Grudri's anger to his advantage. Grudri fell, howling in pain , but quickly recovered and was back at Fili's throat. Grudri threw back and his fist connected with Fili's jaw. It was now Fili's turn to stumble backwards and land hard against a wall, knocking the breath from his body. Seeing his chance, Grudri launched himself forward at Fili. He never made it to the other dwarf. Fili snatched up a discarded wine bottle that lay nearby. Glass shards cascaded to the ground as he smashed the bottle across Grudri's face. Grudri crumpled to the ground clutching his bleeding head, looking up at Fili with pleading eyes.

"A-alright, enough! I-I yield to you Fili!"

Fili was deaf to his cries. The craving was there, overpowering every rational thought in his mind, bringing a maniacal glint to his eyes as he raised the broken glass bottle and struck him again. Grudri collapsed barely conscious. Fili flipped the bottle around and held it like a knife in his hand preparing to strike again. Fili blinked in confusion as a strong grip held him back. He looked up to see Dwalin glaring back at him angrily.

"There's no honor in finishing a fight that has been surrendered." He snarled. Fili blinked up at the dwarf, then turned back to Grudri as though he hadn't noticed the other dwarfling had been beaten. "Now if you are done, you can wait for me out there. And don't even think about running off again! You're in enough trouble! GO!" Dwalin roared.

Fili didn't need to be told twice. He ran from the alley, shaking and sick, until he stumbled and landed on his knees, just outside the alley. He leaned to one side and retched. The echoing roars were becoming too much. Fili retched again. When his stomach had emptied itself of it's contents, he pulled himself back up onto his knees. Fili covered his ears screaming in frustration and fear before he stood and punched a wall. The pain that spread across his fingers was excruciating but was proving to be a good distraction from the Beast. He punched the wall again experimentally. He let out a small cry and cradled his hand to his chest, falling again to his knees. The waves of pain flooding Fili's senses overpowering the rage of the Beast. It seemed that physical pain could keep Fili's mind away from the Beast and his roars. Fili raised his hand to punch the wall when Dwalin stopped him.

"Now what do you think you're doing?!" he demanded.

Fili shrugged and allowed Dwalin to see his hand.

"You've broken three fingers. What were you thinking? First you punch Thorin, then you run off, you start a fight, and now you go off and start punching walls? Wasn't punching Thorin and Grudri enough? What were you thinking?" He asked again.

"I wasn't." Fili answered truthfully. If he had then he never would have struck his uncle. He still would have attacked Grudri, beast or no beast, but still.

"Well that was for certain!" Dwalin growled angrily.

"I'm sorry..."

"I'm not the one you need to be apologizing to, boy. And you may be sorry now, but you're no where near as sorry as you're going to be once your mother gets a hold of you!" Dwalin barked.

Fili groaned inwardly, but said nothing out loud feeling that he had more than deserved anything his mother wished to give him. He did hope however that he would be allowed to explain some of his behavior. If he was going down then, so was Grudri. Fili was yanked from his thoughts as Dwalin hauled him to his feet began to drag him along behind him.

"Come, you're going home."

Fili didn't protest and willingly followed Dwalin to his doom.

* * *

oOo

* * *

Dwalin didn't bother knocking on the door, it was apparent that he was expected. He slammed it shut and effectively alerted the whole house to their presence.

"I see you found him, Dwalin."

Fili kept his eyes trained on the ground when he heard Dis's voice, too afraid to see the anger and disappointment in her face.

"Yes, my lady. Found him starting fights, that is."

"What was that?! Fili look at me this instant!"

Fili did as he was told and winced at the look on his mothers face. It was a horrible mix of worry, disappointment and fury, though the fury was quickly overpowering the previous two. He quickly stared at his feet again. Dis crossed the room and had a brief hushed conversation with Dwalin that Fili couldn't hear but soon she stated for all to hear.

"I see. Thank you Dwalin for finding him and informing me of this. I'm sure you'll want to get home before it gets completely dark."

Dwalin bowed.

"Thank you again Dwalin."

"It was nothing, my lady."

Fili heard the door open again before it again slammed shut, leaving him alone in the hall with his mother. He looked up again and opened his mouth to speak but Dis cut him off.

"I don't want to hear it Fili. I won't have you making excuses for your behavior. You have lied to us, disrespected your uncle and injured him, and now apparently went out and started fights."

"Mum please..."

"Don't you Mum please me! I-"

"Mother! Please, where is Uncle?!" Fili interrupted.

"You interrupted me."

"I know and I'm sorry. I-I'm not going to try and excuse what I did, I j-just want to say something to Uncle Thorin."

Dis nodded and softened a little.

"Then I forgive your interruption. We will continue this discussion in the living room with your Uncle."

Dis turned and lead Fili into the living room without a word. Thorin was sitting in hs chair by the fire, staring broodily into it and Kili, Fili could tell had been pacing the perimeter only moments before. Kili looked up wide eyed at the two of them as they entered but said nothing and at a glance from Dis sat down in the far corner.

"Thorin, Fili's here." said Dis as she sat down next to Thorin. Thorin looked up at Fili and to Fili's horror, but not to his surprise, saw the hurt that he had caused.

Dis pointed to the floor in front of the two of them and Fili stepped forward, feeling strangely like a prisoner at his execution trial. Fili started to speak but again Dis cut him off.

"No Fili, you will speak when I give you permission to do so. Thorin told me that you were not out trapping the other day. You lied to us Fili, along with your brother, and-"

"Kili didn't lie. I asked him to cover for me so that no one would find out." lied Fili, trying to protect his brother.

"Thorin told me you had said to him that Kili knew nothing as to why you didn't come home, and that you didn't know why he was covering for you anymore than he did. So Fili, were you lying then, or are you lying to me now?" asked Dis.

Fili lowered his head in shame and scuffed his shoe across the floor.

"Well? Answer me Fili."

"I am lying to you now." Fili muttered miserably.

"So that brings me to my first question. Why didn't you come home at your curfew, Fili?" Dis demanded.

"I-" Fili almost considered it, he almost told them. Until he remembered the fear of being sent away. He had seen what happened to the insane. He could not bear that, he could bear all other things but not that. "I had something to take care of." he answered evasively.

"Do not try my patience Fili, it's thin enough as it is. Why didn't you come home?"

"I didn't have a reason. I just didn't feel like it. I'm old enough to decide when I come home, I don't need a curfew." said Fili boldly, deciding to lie again. Better that they think him a belligerent dwarfling than a raging madman.

"So this was just rebellion?!" Dis shouted.

Fili said nothing and chanced a look at Dis and Thorin's faces. His mother looked livid, while Thorin vaguely curious.

"I see..." began Dis her voice shaking from trying to suppress her outrage. "Well then, we will more on to your behavior towards your Uncle, though that makes more sense to me now."

_"I doubt it, Mum."_ Fili thought to himself.

"Thorin informed me that when confronted about your behavior, you became incensed that you would have to submit to whatever course of action we decided on, that you struck him and ran off. What was your reasoning for doing such a thing? Or did you not have a reason to do that either? Do you thrive off of discord, Fili?"

"No..."

"Then why?"

"I do not know why! I became irrationally angry for no reason and I can't even blame that on the Be-"

Fili gasped and quickly shut his mouth, hoping that his slip went unnoticed. For the most part it did. Dis was to angry that Fili had yelled at her that she didn't catch the last part. Fili flashed a look at Kili and knew that it had been picked up on by him, and if Thorin's raised brow was of any indication, he had as well. But since Thorin had not spoken to Fili, nor indeed at all, throughout Dis's interrogation, Fili doubted he would do so now, and Kili was obviously not allowed to speak.

"So you decided to act like a rebellious dwarfling, disrespect your uncle and then run off. I see."

"Mum, please..."

"I did not give you permission to speak!"

"May I please say something?"

Dis looked as though she could have exploded but said nothing and Fili took that as a sign to continue.

"I know what I did was wrong and shameful and I wish to apologize to Uncle for it."

Dis nodded her consent and gestured to Thorin.

"I'm sorry, Uncle. For everything that happened this morning. I shouldn't have said the things I said and I shouldn't have punched you. It was wrong of me, and I'm very sorry!" Fili said in earnest, a few unshed tears glistening in his eyes. "I don't know what came over me. I'm sorry Uncle."

"Apology accepted, Fili." Thorin answered, without looking at him.

Fili tried to blink the fresh tears that sprang to his eyes at his uncle's cold forgiveness, but knew that he deserved no less. He didn't deserve his uncle's love after what he had said. Dis nodded her approval again and said.

"Now there is one other matter that we have to discuss, Fili. Concerning you starting fights. Dwalin said he feared for the other dwarflings life! He had to stop you from killing him! Did you not get enough with your Uncle, that you had to go out and find someone one to strike?"

"That's not how it was..." began Fili, tears brimming in his eyes again. "I wasn't going to kill him..." even to his own ears Fili's reply had no conviction.

"Seeing as how everything leading up to this point have been acts of selfish rebellion, I believe that it is safe to assume that this, too, was an act of rebellion. Have you no thought for your family, Fili? You are of the line of Durin, and Thorin's heir and I expect you to act as such, Fili. You are to lead by example, not only for your brother but for the people you will one day rule."

Thorin suddenly laid a hand on his sister's.

"Dis..."

It was all Thorin needed to say. Everyone in the room understood his silent meaning. Even Fili understood that his uncle had told his mother that he was to be disciplined as a son not as a subject or a prince. It touched Fili that his uncle would still do that much for him when he didn't deserve it. Dis understood the meaning and stood up from the chair.

"Thorin, seeing as how the worst infraction Fili has made was against you personally, and all the rest were against the rules that you and I both laid out, it is your right to see to Fili's punishment."

Fili looked up almost hoping that Thorin would be the one to punish him. By doing so would prove that he had not completely destroyed the father relationship he had had with his uncle.

"No, Dis. It is not my place to discipline Fili."

Fili's stomach dropped to his boots and he hung his head. By one stupid angry sentence, he had ruined everything between his uncle and himself. The only thing that Fili could hope for now was that he had not done the same for Kili.

Dis looked at Thorin strangely for a moment then said.

"Very well. Lets go get that hand of yours tended to and then I want you go fetch the birch switch and wait for me in your room. You have much to answer for. Lying, hitting you uncle, starting fights..."

"The fight wasn't my fault..."

"That is an excuse, Fili." said Dis.

"But it wasn't!"

"Did you or did you not, start the fight?"

"Yes, but-"

"Then it's your fault."

"But-"

"Then it is your fault!" Dis repeated more forcefully. "Now if you continue to delay, you'll be getting double. Do I make myself clear?"

"Yes, Mum..." Fili said and he fell into step with his mother.

* * *

oOo

* * *

Fili lay on his stomach with his face buried in the bed sheets. He had been confined to the room for the rest of the night and without any supper. He hadn't eaten since that morning, and all he felt could do at that moment was cry. He didn't know quite what time it was, though he knew that it wasn't very late because Kili hadn't come to bed yet. As though he heard Fili's thoughts, Kili opened the door and came into the room. He walked to the bed and sat on the edge of it.

"Here, Fee. I brought you some bread."

Fili looked up.

"But Mum said I wasn't to have any supper tonight."

"Yeah, well, you did work for awhile in the forge before, well...Uncle Thorin was against you not having anything to eat too, I grabbed some when Mum wasn't looking."

"Thanks Kee. You didn't get into any trouble did you?" Fili asked as he stuffed a piece into his mouth.

"No, I told them that I covered for you in the hopes that you would tell me was had been bothering you, and that was the truth. I was scolded a little but nothing worse than that."

"Lucky you..."said Fili rubbing his bottom.

"We're all worried about you, Fee. Won't you please at least tell me what is the matter?"

"You already know why. I'm just a rebellious dwarfling that can't lead by example." Fili gasped out, tears starting to fall from his eyes.

"You are a terrible liar, Fili. You're lucky Mum was so angry that she missed most of them. I can assure you neither me nor Uncle did."

"Why would Uncle care anyway? He hates me now. How could he not? I told him to stop pretending to be my father and then I punched him, how could he not hate me? He proved that anyway when he said it wasn't his right to punish me!" Fili burst into tears fully and let his head fall into his hands. "I have injured him beyond repair!"

"Uncle does not hate you, Fee." said Kili wrapping his arms around Fili's shoulders. "And I doubt anything you could say would damage him beyond repair."

"You didn't see his face..." mumbled Fili as he buried face in his brother's shirt.

After several minutes of being held, Fili calmed himself. He pulled back from Kili's chest and stared at the floor.

"You almost told." said Kili quietly.

"What?"

"You almost told what has been bothering you. As you were trying to explain to Mum that you didn't know why you hit Uncle Thorin. You said that you couldn't even blame the whatever it was. You caught yourself before you finished. What couldn't you blame your behavior on?"

Fili opened his opened and closed his mouth several times, but couldn't give the answer.

"I've told you before, you can tell me anything."

"D-don't tell anyone else"

Kili nodded his consent.

"I-I don't exactly know how to explain..." Fili paused "I'm insane, Kili!" he blurted out tearfully.

Kili blinked at Fili, but said nothing and allowed Fili to ramble.

"He controls me, even when I don't want him to take over! But with Grudri I didn't bother to fight it, not that I would have won but still. And what if I'm not stopped?! What if I kill somebody? Dwalin feared for his life. What if I kill one of you? What will I do if they send me away? Or if he takes over and those claws rip someone to shreds? That's how my mind is and-"

"Stop, Fili...Stop." said Kili "I don't understand what you're saying. What would make you think you're insane? Who controls you? Why would you kill someone? Why would we send you away?"

"It's the Beast..." Fili mumbled quietly.

"Beast? What beast? What are you talking about?"

"T-there's a Beast inside...I call it a beast because that's what it feels like...He controls my mind and makes me do things I don't want to do...I can see him inside my mind. He's why I get into fights...That's what I was doing when I didn't come home the other night. He makes me want to fight and kill a-and I'm afraid that I will if someone isn't there to stop me. Dwalin stopped me this time. If he hadn't I'm sure I would have killed Grudri."

"No, no you wouldn't have. You would have stopped yourself first." said Kili.

"No, I don't think I would be able to, Kili. I can't think, a red haze falls over my eyes and that's all that matters. Once the Beast has me locked in his blue eyed gaze, once he roars, I no longer have control. I don't think, I just act. I could kill you, if that happens! Or Mum or Uncle Thorin or anybody! And once they find out that I'm insane then I will be sent away like all the other madmen! I'll have brought shame on the line of Durin! I'll-"

"Stop it, Fili! Listen to me! You are not insane! I don't know what is plaguing you, but it is not insanity! insane people don't know or think that they are insane, so you can't be. And neither Uncle Thorin or Mum is going to send you away." said Kili forcefully, hugging his brother to his chest.

"Uncle might now, after what I said to him..."

"No, he won't, and even if does then they will be sending me away with you, and then we can be madmen together." Kili laughed, trying to lighten the mood somewhat.

Fili smiled and pulled back from Kili, wiping his eyes on his sleeve.

"Out of curiosity, other than what you call 'The Beast', why did you fight Grudri" asked Kili.

"When I was on my way home I heard a scream and followed the sound until I found him and a lass in an alley. He was rough housing her and I don't want to even think about what he was going to do to her. She kept trying to get away and screamed again and then The Beast roared and I fought him and apparently almost killed him." Fili answered.

"Why didn't you tell that to Mum and Uncle?"

"Mum didn't give the chance to."

"Well she'll be finding out tomorrow!" said Kili vehemently.

"No! If you tell her that I was helping that girl, then she'll want to know why I didn't stop after I had won. Don't tell anyone anything, Kili! You promised!" said Fili desperately.

"Alright, fine..."

"After the fight, after Dwalin had stopped me, The Beast's continued roaring in my head made me sick. I was so angry afraid that I punched a wall twice. Physical pain makes the roaring go away, so maybe if I do that before I get into a fight I can control The Beast." said Fili quietly.

Fili was not expecting the hand that drew back and slapped him across the face. He blinked, stunned, and then demanded angrily.

"What was that for?!"

"Don't you ever, even so much as think about self injuring yourself again! You think that will help? D-don't you even!" Kili spluttered with rage.

Fili didn't understand his brother's outburst. After any form of control of the monster in his mind would be far better than him killing someone because of The Beast. Fili had no intention of obeying Kili, but since he had never seen Kili this angry, he decided it was best to placate him.

"Alright, Kili. I'm sorry, that was wrong of me." said Fili, adding in his mind _"Wrong of me to have told you, that is."_

Kili nodded, but still regarded Fili a little warily. But after a moment or two seemed to shake off the apprehensive look from his face. Fili's eyes itched with tiredness and he shuddered and yawned. The days activities were finally catching up on him. Kili saw and playfully pushed Fili down on the pillows and then began to apologize profusely when Fili yelped in pain as his backside hit the bed. Fili waved him off and curled up on his side and watched as Kili changed and crawled into the bed beside him. He sighed almost contentedly. It had felt surprising good to confess. He snuggled deeper into covers and sighed again. Fili was almost asleep when he heard Kili speak.

"One more thing, Fili."

"Hmmmmmm?"

"Do you feel like you want to fight and kill all the time?"

"No...Why?"

"Just wondering...Goodnight Fili."

* * *

**Well there is, and I hope you enjoyed it! Thought I should warn you now it may be a week or two before the next chapter is up. I hope you all aren't bored with this story yet because there is probably going to be two or three more chapters before the end. I still not quite sure how the ending is going to work out soooo yeah...Reviews will make Fili and especially me, smile!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Sorry for the wait...^^; I know I said a week or two and it has been three or four weeks. So sorry! School has been hell and I've had writer's block... But thanks to Kurem I conquered the writer's block for this chapter, so send your thanks her way for getting this chapter up at all! **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing of Tolkien's works.**

* * *

I Am A Lion

As The World Falls Down

* * *

It had been nearly a week since Fili had struck Thorin, in which time he had seen little of his uncle, and though Fili was grateful that he didn't have to face too many hurt, betrayed looks from Thorin, it had made him nervous. Dwalin had stopped by a day or two ago wanting to know what Thorin come to the forge. Whatever Thorin had been doing these last couple of days didn't bode well with Fili. He must have been staring unseeing for several minutes, because Kili nudged him and said.

"You're supper's getting cold."

Kili had become a great deal more protective of Fili over the past week, defending him against Dwalin, and even going so far as to challenge their mother's choice in Fili's punishment. Fili had stepped in at that point and hushed Kili before he too felt the effects of Dis's displeasure. He began watching Fili closely and offering him whatever comfort he could. Fili appreciated the effort Kili was making for his sake, so he smiled and began to eat his stew.

"We'll work through this together, Fee. I promise." Kili whispered so that only Fili could hear him.

The door opening, awoke Fili from his thoughts. He glanced up and paled when he saw Thorin enter the kitchen.

"Thorin!" Dis exclaimed. "You said not to expect you for dinner again. Here let me get you some stew."

"I can get it Dis..." began Thorin.

"No, no I'll get it, you sit!" said Dis as she turned to the stove, muttering to herself.

Fili managed to catch a few sentences that sounded suspiciously like. _'Coming in at all hours of the night...small wonder where Fili learned it from...'_  
Fili would have laughed if he hadn't been so nervous at Thorin's presence. Dis placed a bowl in front of Thorin, brushing off his thanks, before she resumed her seat. They ate in silence for a few moments, before Thorin turned and addressed Fili.

"Fili, I'll need you at the forges again tomorrow, alright?"

Fili was about to point out that he had lessons with Balin tomorrow morning when Thorin added.

"I have already spoken to Balin. You will take your lessons with him in the afternoon."

Fili said nothing and simply nodded his head. It was a good plan on Thorin's part. If Fili was kept under constant watch he couldn't get into more trouble.

"Fili." said Dis sternly. "You had better not give your uncle any trouble tomorrow, do you understand me?"

"Yes, Mum..." said Fili, hanging his head at the disappointment he heard in his mother's voice.

oOo

Fili had been working several hours when Kili bounced into the forge with his usual enthusiasm, closely followed by Balin, who was chuckling quietly to himself. Thorin nodded in greeting at the two as the entered and resumed his work.

"I just came to pick Fili for his lessons. How has he been today?" asked Balin as he walked over to Thorin. It had been decided long ago that Fili and Kili shouldn't take lessons together, since that spent more time playing silent games than learning their lessons. Thorin shrugged and cast a concerned glance at Fili's direction.

Fili kept his head down and refused to look at anyone. He stiffened when he felt someone touch his arm. He turned, already knowing that it was Kili.

"How are you holding up?" Kili asked

"I'm fine, Kili." Fili answered shortly. He returned to his work, hoping that Kili would take the hint. He didn't. Fili sighed and said.

"Well, if you're not going to leave me alone, make yourself useful and hand me that hammer."

"Gladly dearest brother." Kili teased, as he reached for the tool.

Fili rolled his eyes, and took the hammer from Kili, turning back to the axe that lay waiting on the anvil. A hand gripping his arm tightly stopped him and he turn giving Kili a quizzical look.

"What did you do to your arm Fee?"

Fili blinked, a surge of panic flooding through him. He glanced at his wrist. His sleeve had ridden up revealing a blood stained handkerchief.

"Nothing..." Fili mumbled

"Nothing requires a bandage?"

"It's just a scratch, Kee. Really, it's nothing to worry about.

"What is going on over here?" asked Thorin as made his way over to the two boys.

Fili looked down at his boots unable to bear seeing the cold anger and hurt in his uncle's eyes.

"Fili is hurt Uncle." said Kili immediately.

Fili winced and quickly spoke, still looking at the floor

"It's nothing, Thorin, really sir."

Thorin sucked his breath in sharply and Fili glanced up at his uncle, unsure of what he had done that had upset Thorin further. Perhaps he hadn't been respectful enough. Fili tried to match the gaze leveled at him, but once again lowered his eyes to the floor.

"Has this been seen to by anyone other than yourself?" Thorin asked after a moment of uncomfortable silence.

Fili shook his head. Thorin grunted in reply and carefully peeled off the makeshift bandage. He sucked his breath in sharply again at the sight of the injury. It was deep and long and looked inflamed. Fili quickly tried to reassure him.

"It's not as bad as it looks Thorin."

"This was done on purpose...Who has done this to you? Who has injured my heir?!" Thorin growled angrily.

Fili winced inwardly. That confirmed it then, he was just an heir to Thorin now. He was no longer a nephew. And once Thorin learned of Fili's insanity, he would no longer be an heir, he would be no one, just a no name dwarf that was sent away. Not that Fili could blame Thorin, of course Thorin would be angry with him, even though he didn't know yet why he should be angry with him.

"Fili answer me, Who did this to you?"

"No one..."

"Do not lie, Fili. I know that this was done deliberately, now tell me who has done this to you!"

"No one has done anything to me."

A sudden horrified gasp from Kili interrupted the conversation. He looked from Fili's wrist to Fili's face, wide-eyed with realization. Fili's stomach turned over. Kili knew. How Kili figured it out didn't matter, all that mattered now was that Thorin didn't find out. He cast his brother a pleading glance, once again silently begging Kili to remain silent. Kili looked at the ground and started blinking back tears.

This did not go unseen by Thorin. His eyes slid back and forth between his two nephews, before he addressed Kili.

"What do you know about this Kili?"

Kili shook his head and avoided Thorin's gaze.

"Kili..." began Thorin softly "Please tell me what you know."

"I don't...don't know anything..."

"Kili..." Thorin took a deep breath. Both boys could see that he was becoming angry. "One of you had best tell me what is going on."

"It's just a little cut." said Fili quietly. "Nothing to worry about, Thorin."

"What's nothing to worry about?" asked Balin, as he and Dwalin made their way over to the three.

"Fili is injured, neither he nor Kili will tell me how." growled Thorin.

Dwalin leaned over his brother's head to see Fili's arm.

"Did you get into another fight?" he asked.

"No..."

"Who's done cut you then, laddie?"

"No one."

"That's all I could get out of him as well." snapped Thorin.

"We should get him to Oin, Thorin. It looks like it could be infected." said Balin seriously.

Thorin visibly calmed and nodded at Balin and turned to Fili, and began leading him to the door, still questioning him.

"If no one injured you, then how did you come by this? Come, tell me before we go to Oin. Did you cut yourself?"

It was Fili's turn to gasp. He went pale and his vision swam before his eyes, his mind forming only one coherent thought, _'No, no! This can't be happening! They can't know!' _Shame and blind panic overruled all of Fili's senses. He heard Kili say something but he couldn't make out the words. Not that it mattered, Fili was sure that he was in the process of telling Thorin everything. So Fili did the only thing he had been able to do for days: He ran.

oOo

Thorin saw several emotions flash across Fili's face at his simple question. He raised a brow at his nephew, and his questioning look turning into a look of concern. Thorin shared a meaningful glance with Balin and turned to address Fili, when he felt Fili jerk his arm free from his grasp. Thorin blinked startled and barely had enough time to register that Fili had taken off through the door. Breaking into a run himself, Thorin raced after Fili.

"Fili wait!" Thorin called breathlessly.

"No!" Fili cried frantically, as he glanced over his shoulder at his uncle, "Go away! _Please!_ Just go away!"

"Fili!"

oOo

Fili was nearly on the other side of town before he finally managed to lose Thorin. He leaned against a wall heavily and slapped a hand over his injury as it began to bleed freely again. _'What was I thinking? Idiot!'_ Fili mentally berated himself. _'How could I have done that? Why did I think I could keep it a secret?'_ He slid down the wall and rested his forehead on his knees as the memories of the night before forced their way to the forefront of his mind.

oOo

He had been walking home from the training grounds when he passed two human boys attacking another, smaller child. He felt The Beast rise up and roar, urging Fili to join the fight. He had taken a step forward and then stopped. A pained expression flitted across his face as he rocked back and forth on the balls of his feet. He closed his eyes and forced himself to turn his back on the child and his assailants. Fili took a deep breath and whispered.

_'I'm sorry Kili.'_

He pulled out his hunting knife and held in his hand for a moment, before lightly tracing the tip over his wrist. The child screamed, as did the Beast in Fili's mind. The child cried out again. Fili winced and sliced through his arm. Much to his dismay, the pain did little to stop the roaring in his head so Fili pushed it down harder and deeper until the pain had pushed aside all thought, all sound. He couldn't hear the Beast, the child's screams, nothing. He glanced down at the cut and almost retched as he saw a flash a white beneath the scarlet liquid that was staining the cobblestones at his feet. With a scream of his own, he blindly began to run, his legs deciding the direction for him.

Fili had stopped just outside town and collapsed on the ground beside a little stream, weak from running and, though he didn't want to admit it, loss of blood. He examined the wound again, and a wave of shame washed over him. He had been weak enough to take a knife and cut himself. There was still blood oozing from it sluggishly. Fili quickly put his arm in the cold water of the stream in the hopes that it might stop the blood flow. The cold numbed the pain and seemed to clear his mind.

Physical pain was the answer. If the pain was great enough, it would silence the Beast. Surely there was no harm in what he had done. He had not injured himself severely; he had found a way to control the madness. If a cut arm was the price that he had to pay, then he reopen this cut as many times as was needed. But he could tell no one of this, they wouldn't understand why he needed this. He pulled his arm from the water. The cut had stopped bleeding so he pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and began to tend to the injury. Fili winced as he wound the makeshift bandage around his wrist, the cut hurt worse than he thought it would. He had stood then, armed with his new found clarity and had headed off for home.

oOo

Fili opened his eyes, and pulled himself from the memory. If those thoughts then had been clarity, why did he now feel panic, and even more ashamed than he did when he had actually committed the act? He peeled his hand away from the wound, wincing slightly when his hand stuck to split skin. Fili took one look at the cut and burst into tears. Thorin would know now that he had cut himself and would know as to why as well. Fili didn't want to believe that Kili would have betrayed him that way, but if Kili had thought his wellbeing was in jeopardy, Fili knew that Kili would do anything to help him. Fili felt fresh tears run down his face at the thought of what Thorin would do when he returned home.

He cradled his knees and rocked himself. He would have to leave now. Sneak back into the house, pack his things, and run. Fili felt a sob wrench itself from his mouth as he realized what that meant. Fili looked up at the skies. Perhaps he could appeal to Thorin's sense of humanity. Perhaps Thorin would only denounce him as his heir and allow him to remain beside his brother, and not send him away. Fili looked up and prayed that Thorin would give him that small mercy as one of his subjects.

He stood on shaky legs and began to make his way back home.

oOo

It was nearly six o'clock when Fili opened the front door and slipped into the house. He could hear his mother's sewing machine clacking in the background. He peered around the threshold of the living room. Dis indeed, sat working on her sewing and had not noticed that Fili was there. Fili breathed a sigh of relief and crept down the halls, hoping beyond hope that Kili wasn't in the bedroom, and was with Thorin somewhere. He needed a few moments to pack his things in case Thorin did indeed want to send him away.

"Where have you been?"

Fili jumped about a foot in the air. Thorin was standing with his arms crossed over his chest, leaning against wall, blocking Fili's way to the bedroom.

"I-I-I just...I mean I was...I d-didn't, I was...Please...w-was..." Fili began to stammer.

"Fili."

One word spoken by Thorin was all that it took to silence Fili's frantic ramblings. He dropped his gaze to the floor and waited for the inevitable.

"Look at me Fili."

Fili knew an order when he heard one and it was with a great effort that he managed to raise his eyes to meet his king's.

"Take a breath." Thorin nodded approvingly when Fili complied. "Now answer me, where have you been?"

Fili stared blankly for a moment. Where had he been? By the little stream outside town, no that had been yesterday.

"I was in town, Thorin sir."

Thorin ground his teeth and glared at Fili. Fili took an involuntary step backwards.

"It's true, Sir! I walking around and then I sat down by the stream and-"

"Fili there is no stream in town." said Thorin.

"W-what? O-oh, yes I...yes." Fili felt hot and uncomfortable under Thorin's scrutinizing stare, as he thoughts swirled around haphazardly. "I was walking around town and then before it got late I came home, Thorin."

Thorin raised an eyebrow at him. He nodded silently and studied Fili's face with a soft kind of intensity. He nodded again and said in his overly quiet concerned voice.

"I want to talk to you in a little while, I need to speak with your mother first. I want you to wait for me in your room."

Fili's eyes grew wide with panic and his breathing picked up in speed.

"About what, Thorin?" Fili gasped out.

"I'll be in shortly," said Thorin, not unkindly. "We'll talk then."

Fili could only nod as he turned and stumble the few short steps to his bedroom door on numb legs. He nearly fell through it when it opened at hs slightest touch. He closed the door behind him and leaned back against it, trying to will the hotness in his face away. He suddenly noticed that he ached all over and that he felt slightly dizzy. His injured wrist brushed against the door handle and Fili yelped in pain and his vision flashed white for a moment.

"Fili...?"

Fili blinked and his brother's concerned face swam into view. Kili took him by the arm and began to lead him towards the bed. He was almost touched by his brother's actions, until Fili remembered why he was here waiting for Thorin to return. Fili panicked again and pulled himself free from Kili and backed away until he hit the wall.

"Why? Why did you tell them?!" Fili demanded.

"What? Fili what are you talking about?

"Thorin knows now because you told him everything! He's going to send me away! H-he said he wanted to talk to me after he spoken with Mum! Thorin is going to send me away!"

"I didn't say anything Fili!" protested Kili "I wouldn't tell them anything."

His protest went unheard as Fili fell to the floor.

"I had h-hoped that he'd let me stay, even though I no longer have his love. I had hoped that I still had a place in Uncle's, no Thorin's heart! I-I could still have been a good loyal subject! You've g-got to help me, Kee! I c-can't stay h-here!" Fili gasped. He was feeling sick. The hot feeling refused to go away, and the room began to tilt and spin.

Kili grabbed Fili's shoulders and shook him gently

"Fili! Stop and listen to what you are saying! you haven't lost anyone's love! And certainly not Uncle's! Fili? Fili?!"

Fili covered his ears as every word Kili spoke split through his skull. He just managed to pull himself from Kili's grasp before he vomited over the floor. He could vaguely hear Kili shouting his name. His eyes rolled up in his head and he slumped forward against Kili's shoulder. The last thing Fili heard was Kili's desperate scream for Thorin.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Whew...Yes I am still alive. Sorry for the wait, but at least it wasn't as long as the last time! ^^; Again, thanks go to Kurem for helping me out by bouncing ideas my way!  
**

**Disclaimer: As always I own nothing of Tolkien's work**

* * *

I Am A Lion

Mixed Realities And Dreams

* * *

It was hot, too hot.

Fili ran as fast as he could, trying to escape from the searing heat that surrounded him. He turned the corner of a strange hall he didn't recognize and came face to face with the dragon Smaug himself. He cried out in fear and fled for his life. He ran until he collided headlong into Thorin. Fili stood and wrapped his arms around his uncle's waist and tried to tell him that Smaug was here and was going to kill them all. Thorin snorted in disgust and threw Fili from him.

"You are a coward, Fili! you do not deserve to be my heir!"

"B-b-but, Uncle please!" said Fili desperately. "T-there's a dragon! He's coming to kill us!"

"Then let us burn! You have shamed the line of Durin beyond repair! You are not worthy! You are only worthy of carrying on a name that you have too greatly shamed! Go now and die bearing a sullied name!" Thorin said, as he spat on Fili.

Thorin picked Fili up bodily and threw him towards the fire. He landed hard amongst the flames and he screamed as they lashed their sharp tongues against his skin. Fili clambored to his feet and tried to outrun the fire that was all to eager to chase him. Fili ran, leaving his bloody footprints on the marble floors. He turned to see if the flames still pursued him and ran into something solid. Hoping that it wasn't the dragon, Fili looked up. He screamed. Thousands of orcs jeered down at him. Four chieftains drew closer to him even as he tried to slide away on his backside. The biggest stepped forward and grabbed Fili by the arm and pulled him to his feet, before slamming him down hard on the floor. That's when the pain started. They were torturing him, he knew that they were. He screamed again.

"Stop, please! Fili, it's just us!"

Fili heard Thorin's worried voice come from somewhere nearby. But no, Thorin's voice was supposed to be venomous, wasn't it? Fili groaned a little. He was burning up and Fili felt like he couldn't breathe. Fili's eyes flickered open and he turned, trying to find his uncle. He cried out in terror as he realized Thorin's fake kind voice came from the orc chieftain before him. Fili screamed and pleaded and fought to free himself from the orcs that were holding him. He pulled his foot free and tried to kick one in the face. His foot narrowly missed it's face and before he could attempt it again, his leg was trapped once more in a vise grip. Fili twisted around wildly trying to dislodge himself. He had just managed to pull his injured arm away from another when he heard someone shout next to him.

"Hold him down, dammit! For Durin's sake! Someone get me that ether!"

_"Oin?"_

Fili felt a damp rag come near his mouth and nose and smelled something pungent and sweet. A sedative. Whatever his tormentor had planned, he was not going to let them do as they pleased without a fight. Fili pulled his elbow back and struck out at his nearest assailant. He was pleased to hear the solid sound of flesh hitting flesh and the pained grunt. He kicked another in the stomach and somehow managed to twist away from the rest. He rolled on the floor to get out from underfoot and fell off a bed.

Fili gasped as he hit the floor and blinked his vision back into focus. He was in his own room, surrounded by the concerned faces of Oin, Thorin, Gloin, and his mother. Tears of relief filled his eyes and Fili began to sob quietly. He heard someone move forward and could tell by the metal clack on the floor that it was Thorin. Fili slid backwards away and hit the wall, but otherwise made no attempt to escape Thorin.

"Fili...We need to attend to your injury. Come on." said Thorin as he placed his hands on Fili's arms. "Let's get you back on the bed."

His grip tightened, as he tried to pull Fili to his feet. Fili looked up into Thorin's face and saw the shame and disgust that he had seen before. He drew back from Thorin and tried to wrench his arms free.

"Let me go!" Fili screamed.

"Fili, that is enough!" Thorin yelled angrily.

It only took one more glance at Thorin's disgust filled, angry face for Fili to make his decision. He couldn't bear the look on Thorin's face. If Thorin was simply waiting until later to punish him and throw him away, Fili would relieve him of the duty. He knew now that Thorin would not follow him. Thorin would be glad he was gone. His fear turned to anger, and he glared back at Thorin. He threw his leg behind Thorin's and pushed all his weight into older dwarf's chest, knocking him to the ground. Heedless of the others in the room, he ducked under the arm of his mother and ran from the room. He turned down the outer hall and ran into Kili causing both of them to stumble.

"Fili! You shouldn't be out of bed! Has Oin seen to your arm?! He said it was infected! Fili?" demanded Kili.

The sound of following footsteps made Fili roughly push his brother off of himself and bolt for the door. Throwing it wide, he was hit with a blast of chilly night air. It stunned him for a few seconds before he was racing through it, mindless to the cold.

"What in Mahal's name do you think you're doing? Brother!" He heard Kili shout, but he didn't look back.

_'I'm so sorry Kili, but you don't have a brother anymore...'_

oOo

Thorin was on his feet and after Fili within moments. He was now used to his nephew running away from him at the slightest thing. It saddened his heart to see Fili look at him so fearfully. What had he done to the boy that had made him so distrustful, so secretive? Had he become so distant, nothing more than a king in Fili's eyes? Was that what Fili wanted?

_'It doesn't matter right now!'_ Thorin thought, _'Where would Fili have gone? The woods?'_ Thorin suddenly remembered Fili babbling about some stream. There was only one stream he knew of that was anywhere near town. He would look there first. If Fili could even make it there, he had been in a bad way when he left, and anything could happen to him. Thorin shook his head and ran a little faster. His nephew was hurt in more ways than one and he needed to find him before something happened.

oOo

Fili fell to his knees beside the same stream where he had first attended to the injury that was now killing him. Even in his feverish mind he had understood what an infection meant for him. Fili could feel the effects of it coursing through his arm, poisoning his blood. He shivered and retched. He glanced down at the wound. Yellow pus was slowly oozing from it, but Fili could see that Oin had been trying to mend it. He tried to bathe the wound in the water but found that he didn't have the strength to even lift his arm. He retched again and started to cry. His arm is most certainly on fire. It had to be there was no other way to explain the burning flames that were attacking his body. The pain continued to build and Fili wished that he was wrapped in Thorin's strong arms, with his mother speaking soothing words to him, and Kili's ever distracting chattering. He knew that it was pointless to long for something that he knew he had forever lost. A sudden flash of pain made Fili's vision go black and he screamed. He was dying ,he knew he was. He was going to die all alone, hated by his family, nothing more than an insane dwarf. Fili cradled his arm to his chest, and a small voice in the back of his mind whispered.

_'Don't worry, Uncle will come. He'll come and take you back to Oin to get you patched up. He'll take you back to your family. He'll come for his nephew.'_

"But I don't have family anymore! I don't have an uncle a-a-anymore! I just have Thorin, my King! I don't have an u-u-uncle!" Fili sobbed out loud as he slumped against the ground, waves of darkness washing over him. He closed his eyes and let the darkness overtake him, and heard another voice say from far away.

"But you do still have an uncle, Fili..."

* * *

**A/N: I know, I know, another cliffhanger (sort of?), but hopefully the next chapter won't take as long. I do have a little of it written. Thank you all for all the favs, follows, and reviews, and for sticking it out this long! :) And for the record I don't really know what happens to someone who has an infection, so bear with me if it wasn't believable.  
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